It's a Saturday Night…

(*Side Note: A difficult relationship with food and accepting my body has prevented me from enjoying so many things life has to offer, here is yet another example)

I apologize in advance. This post is all over the place, I just needed to type what is currently on my mind! Sorry it’s a bit depressing as well!

And I am sitting in my room at my desk doing some homework, reading blogs, and listening to Food Network on TV in the background. This situation is quite ideal for me, it’s relaxing, somewhat productive, and comfortable. And yet, something is bothering me as I sit here, getting ready to change into pjs, I am a 21 year old college student who rarely goes out, has minimal close friends, and prefers being alone.

I am the kind of person that thrives off of routine and maintaining control. This often occurs around food, hence why I have had such struggles with disordered eating. The idea of being spontaneous, or “going with the flow” are so foreign to me. I fear being in situations where I have little control, and this does not go well with partying in college.

“Going out” at least for me and the people I know, usually involves hearing about some house/frat/sports party that is somewhere off campus, that maybe will be fun, which could possibly let you in, and oh yeah, it’s going to be so crowded it will be like trying to socialize in a sardine can. Sounds fantastic right?

I don’t want to sound like a complete sourpuss though! I have had plenty of fun nights in college. Going out with my track team is usually a great time, where the number of people is somewhat controlled and I can get my groove on :). I also have been out to a few bars since turning 21, and that has been great too! There have been nights where I have thought, “oh the hell with it, I am going to do whatever anyone wants to do” and those have turned out to be fun as well.

However, there have been so many more where I have struggled to get somewhere and it is too crowded to get in, or the police just broke up the party, etc and we are forced to either go somewhere else or figure out a way home. I have not had a successful or fun night in so long, and at this point weekends aren’t really something to look forward to, well getting a break from classes is nice.

Also, I want to meet a great guy and my past experiences have really set me back of wanting to pursue anything with a man. There have been some guys who I have really liked, things were going well and suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Other times, they claim I am giving off the “I want a relationship vibe” when all they want to do is hook-up. These are such crappy excuses and I have yet to find a guy that is a genuine person and isin’t just interested in f*cking me (to be blunt). I see so many people with great boyfriends and spouses and am jealous, I want it too! I just want to be respected for once.

I’m sure if I looked, I would find something to do. But it’s always the same thing. Pre-game aka drink excessively starting around 9:30 pm, figure out your destination, make plans in a drunken state to get there, arrive at location usually around 11:30 or 12, perhaps get in, and talk to other people that are most likely as or more drunk than you. I am usually so sleepy by that time that all I want to do is go back to my room and get in bed (unless the party is a raging time, rarely it is!)

This is something I should admit: I do drink sometimes, but it’s not too appealing to me and I mostly don’t like “wasting” my calories on alcohol. Hello disordered thoughts! I can still go out and not drink and have a great time, but the main reason I decide not to is so I don’t gain weight. I am able to recognize this part of my irrational thoughts and everything in moderation is the key to happiness, including alcohol. Realistically, alcohol is a huge part of our social lives and culture so I have accepted this and am fine with it. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable drinking a bit, and not always thinking about my god damn weight! This goes to food as well.

Being social takes effort as well. I sometimes am simply too tired to put up a front and act like I am having a great time. It’s easier to be alone. (I know this sounds a bit like Depression, I am dealing with this πŸ™‚ )

I know so many of my feelings are related to wanting to stay in my comfort zone, so I can eat, drink, do and go to bed when I want and not be concerned with others. This is a ridiculous and boring way to live in my opinion, and I often feel I am wasting my youth. I know to meet more people, and perhaps a genuine great guy, I need to go out. But my own fears, the countless setbacks and the times it hasn’t been fun, prevent me from haivng any motivation to get ready and go out.

So hear I am, purging my thoughts and striving to find a way to overcome my own thoughts and actions.

*Any suggestions and can anyone relate?


Filed under College, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Recovery, School, Serious Stuff, UMASS, Weight

11 responses to “It's a Saturday Night…

  1. cristal

    i can totally relate to you. I would like to write back to you but not thru the website, can you just send me an email so i have your email address and ill write ya back… its amazing what you wrote feels just like me.. i could have wrote everything you said… the food, the alcohol, the wanting to drink but counting the calories.. i do that all the time, i cant drink and truly enjoy cuz im worried ill be heavier tomorrow….

    • After I write this I am going to email you too! πŸ™‚
      Your comment seriously made me feel so much better! I was pretty upset when writing this, but it is nice to know that there are other people that can relate to this and understand it. I would of course like NONE OF US to experience feelings like this, but until that time comes, we will have to support each other!

  2. donna

    well said! As I said to you last night, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to go out in the cold with a bunch of other people who are drunk and may or may not get into a party and may or may not get a ride home. Doing all this at 11pm doesnt sound like much fun. You are not are smart, and thoughtful, talented and fun (I happen to know that you in fact, fun!) Saturday nights are often highly overrated. You are on the right path! Nothing wrong with taking good care of yourself!

  3. Sweetheart…..this post could’ve been written by me 3 years ago. Everything you said – I was there and understand you completely. I want to reassure you that you can get through this and you can feel happy. I’m sitting at my laptop, cup of tea in hand and listening to the sounds of spring. I feel relaxed and content, two feelings that I didn’t think I’d have the joy of truly experiencing again. I was anorexic for the best part of 10 years and, you’re right, it robs you of so many wonderful things. If you ever need to talk, I’m here. If you start freaking out, I’m here and if you ever feel all outta hope, then I’m here. Don’t hesitate to email me if you need a friend is where I’m at. I wish you all the best -you’re beautiful, remember that. I’ll check in on you soon πŸ™‚ xoxo

    • Wow, thank you for that amazing message. It is so inspiring to hear that even though you suffered with anorexia for ten years, you were able to recover and enjoy life’s offerings again! That really gives me a kick in the butt to keep going with this because it is possible to live a normal life once again without such a focus on food and appearance.
      It’s hard to imagine life without it, but I am working through and finding what else interests me and how I can use my time in a more fulfilling way.
      Seeing that other relate is helpful, although I obviously don’t what anyone else to go through what we have!
      Thank you for the email, it is so nice to know I have support in this beyond my loving family πŸ™‚
      I’m going to check out your blog now!

  4. HEY girl!! Thanks for your LOVELY email- made my day!! πŸ˜€

    I agree with the above commenter Donna- to me you just sound plain SMART! Honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted to go if I was in your place either! Doesn’t sound like my idea of a fun night (although my idea= watching TV in sweatpants+baking! :P)

    And sometimes, a night alone is just the best thing πŸ™‚

    • Aww yay, I’m glad you read it! That commenter up there is my mom! haha
      I am very open with her about all this and her amazing support has helped me so much through this whole obnoxious process πŸ™‚
      That is certainly my idea of a fun night too! Add in a cup of tea and that sounds like perfection!
      Thank you for checking out my blog, and I look forward to continue reading yours!

  5. Pingback: A Few of My Favorite Things | Amazing Asset

  6. um…..are you me? more in an email πŸ™‚

  7. Hey girl πŸ™‚
    I totally know how you feel. Although I have been able to move a bit past that now..and definitely enjoy an occassional alcoholic beverage every now & then πŸ˜‰
    But then main thing for me…is just think- you are only 21 ONCE. You will NEVER EVER get this time back. I can’t think of how much sometimes that I wish I could go back in time..just to live it up a little more, ya know what I mean? Even though I am COMPLETELY content with my life right now…actually more than content, so excited about my life right now- there are still times that I think about how much MORE I could of enjoyed.

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