(*Side Note: A difficult relationship with food and accepting my body has prevented me from enjoying so many things life has to offer, here is yet another example)
I apologize in advance. This post is all over the place, I just needed to type what is currently on my mind! Sorry it’s a bit depressing as well!
And I am sitting in my room at my desk doing some homework, reading blogs, and listening to Food Network on TV in the background. This situation is quite ideal for me, it’s relaxing, somewhat productive, and comfortable. And yet, something is bothering me as I sit here, getting ready to change into pjs, I am a 21 year old college student who rarely goes out, has minimal close friends, and prefers being alone.
I am the kind of person that thrives off of routine and maintaining control. This often occurs around food, hence why I have had such struggles with disordered eating. The idea of being spontaneous, or “going with the flow” are so foreign to me. I fear being in situations where I have little control, and this does not go well with partying in college.
“Going out” at least for me and the people I know, usually involves hearing about some house/frat/sports party that is somewhere off campus, that maybe will be fun, which could possibly let you in, and oh yeah, it’s going to be so crowded it will be like trying to socialize in a sardine can. Sounds fantastic right?
I don’t want to sound like a complete sourpuss though! I have had plenty of fun nights in college. Going out with my track team is usually a great time, where the number of people is somewhat controlled and I can get my groove on :). I also have been out to a few bars since turning 21, and that has been great too! There have been nights where I have thought, “oh the hell with it, I am going to do whatever anyone wants to do” and those have turned out to be fun as well.
However, there have been so many more where I have struggled to get somewhere and it is too crowded to get in, or the police just broke up the party, etc and we are forced to either go somewhere else or figure out a way home. I have not had a successful or fun night in so long, and at this point weekends aren’t really something to look forward to, well getting a break from classes is nice.
Also, I want to meet a great guy and my past experiences have really set me back of wanting to pursue anything with a man. There have been some guys who I have really liked, things were going well and suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Other times, they claim I am giving off the “I want a relationship vibe” when all they want to do is hook-up. These are such crappy excuses and I have yet to find a guy that is a genuine person and isin’t just interested in f*cking me (to be blunt). I see so many people with great boyfriends and spouses and am jealous, I want it too! I just want to be respected for once.
I’m sure if I looked, I would find something to do. But it’s always the same thing. Pre-game aka drink excessively starting around 9:30 pm, figure out your destination, make plans in a drunken state to get there, arrive at location usually around 11:30 or 12, perhaps get in, and talk to other people that are most likely as or more drunk than you. I am usually so sleepy by that time that all I want to do is go back to my room and get in bed (unless the party is a raging time, rarely it is!)
This is something I should admit: I do drink sometimes, but it’s not too appealing to me and I mostly don’t like “wasting” my calories on alcohol. Hello disordered thoughts! I can still go out and not drink and have a great time, but the main reason I decide not to is so I don’t gain weight. I am able to recognize this part of my irrational thoughts and everything in moderation is the key to happiness, including alcohol. Realistically, alcohol is a huge part of our social lives and culture so I have accepted this and am fine with it. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable drinking a bit, and not always thinking about my god damn weight! This goes to food as well.
Being social takes effort as well. I sometimes am simply too tired to put up a front and act like I am having a great time. It’s easier to be alone. (I know this sounds a bit like Depression, I am dealing with this 🙂 )
I know so many of my feelings are related to wanting to stay in my comfort zone, so I can eat, drink, do and go to bed when I want and not be concerned with others. This is a ridiculous and boring way to live in my opinion, and I often feel I am wasting my youth. I know to meet more people, and perhaps a genuine great guy, I need to go out. But my own fears, the countless setbacks and the times it hasn’t been fun, prevent me from haivng any motivation to get ready and go out.
So hear I am, purging my thoughts and striving to find a way to overcome my own thoughts and actions.
*Any suggestions and can anyone relate?