Monthly Archives: March 2011

It's a Saturday Night…

(*Side Note: A difficult relationship with food and accepting my body has prevented me from enjoying so many things life has to offer, here is yet another example)

I apologize in advance. This post is all over the place, I just needed to type what is currently on my mind! Sorry it’s a bit depressing as well!

And I am sitting in my room at my desk doing some homework, reading blogs, and listening to Food Network on TV in the background. This situation is quite ideal for me, it’s relaxing, somewhat productive, and comfortable. And yet, something is bothering me as I sit here, getting ready to change into pjs, I am a 21 year old college student who rarely goes out, has minimal close friends, and prefers being alone.

I am the kind of person that thrives off of routine and maintaining control. This often occurs around food, hence why I have had such struggles with disordered eating. The idea of being spontaneous, or “going with the flow” are so foreign to me. I fear being in situations where I have little control, and this does not go well with partying in college.

“Going out” at least for me and the people I know, usually involves hearing about some house/frat/sports party that is somewhere off campus, that maybe will be fun, which could possibly let you in, and oh yeah, it’s going to be so crowded it will be like trying to socialize in a sardine can. Sounds fantastic right?

I don’t want to sound like a complete sourpuss though! I have had plenty of fun nights in college. Going out with my track team is usually a great time, where the number of people is somewhat controlled and I can get my groove on :). I also have been out to a few bars since turning 21, and that has been great too! There have been nights where I have thought, “oh the hell with it, I am going to do whatever anyone wants to do” and those have turned out to be fun as well.

However, there have been so many more where I have struggled to get somewhere and it is too crowded to get in, or the police just broke up the party, etc and we are forced to either go somewhere else or figure out a way home. I have not had a successful or fun night in so long, and at this point weekends aren’t really something to look forward to, well getting a break from classes is nice.

Also, I want to meet a great guy and my past experiences have really set me back of wanting to pursue anything with a man. There have been some guys who I have really liked, things were going well and suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Other times, they claim I am giving off the “I want a relationship vibe” when all they want to do is hook-up. These are such crappy excuses and I have yet to find a guy that is a genuine person and isin’t just interested in f*cking me (to be blunt). I see so many people with great boyfriends and spouses and am jealous, I want it too! I just want to be respected for once.

I’m sure if I looked, I would find something to do. But it’s always the same thing. Pre-game aka drink excessively starting around 9:30 pm, figure out your destination, make plans in a drunken state to get there, arrive at location usually around 11:30 or 12, perhaps get in, and talk to other people that are most likely as or more drunk than you. I am usually so sleepy by that time that all I want to do is go back to my room and get in bed (unless the party is a raging time, rarely it is!)

This is something I should admit: I do drink sometimes, but it’s not too appealing to me and I mostly don’t like “wasting” my calories on alcohol. Hello disordered thoughts! I can still go out and not drink and have a great time, but the main reason I decide not to is so I don’t gain weight. I am able to recognize this part of my irrational thoughts and everything in moderation is the key to happiness, including alcohol. Realistically, alcohol is a huge part of our social lives and culture so I have accepted this and am fine with it. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable drinking a bit, and not always thinking about my god damn weight! This goes to food as well.

Being social takes effort as well. I sometimes am simply too tired to put up a front and act like I am having a great time. It’s easier to be alone. (I know this sounds a bit like Depression, I am dealing with this 🙂 )

I know so many of my feelings are related to wanting to stay in my comfort zone, so I can eat, drink, do and go to bed when I want and not be concerned with others. This is a ridiculous and boring way to live in my opinion, and I often feel I am wasting my youth. I know to meet more people, and perhaps a genuine great guy, I need to go out. But my own fears, the countless setbacks and the times it hasn’t been fun, prevent me from haivng any motivation to get ready and go out.

So hear I am, purging my thoughts and striving to find a way to overcome my own thoughts and actions.

*Any suggestions and can anyone relate?

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11 Comments

Filed under College, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Recovery, School, Serious Stuff, UMASS, Weight

It’s a Saturday Night…

(*Side Note: A difficult relationship with food and accepting my body has prevented me from enjoying so many things life has to offer, here is yet another example)

I apologize in advance. This post is all over the place, I just needed to type what is currently on my mind! Sorry it’s a bit depressing as well!

And I am sitting in my room at my desk doing some homework, reading blogs, and listening to Food Network on TV in the background. This situation is quite ideal for me, it’s relaxing, somewhat productive, and comfortable. And yet, something is bothering me as I sit here, getting ready to change into pjs, I am a 21 year old college student who rarely goes out, has minimal close friends, and prefers being alone.

I am the kind of person that thrives off of routine and maintaining control. This often occurs around food, hence why I have had such struggles with disordered eating. The idea of being spontaneous, or “going with the flow” are so foreign to me. I fear being in situations where I have little control, and this does not go well with partying in college.

“Going out” at least for me and the people I know, usually involves hearing about some house/frat/sports party that is somewhere off campus, that maybe will be fun, which could possibly let you in, and oh yeah, it’s going to be so crowded it will be like trying to socialize in a sardine can. Sounds fantastic right?

I don’t want to sound like a complete sourpuss though! I have had plenty of fun nights in college. Going out with my track team is usually a great time, where the number of people is somewhat controlled and I can get my groove on :). I also have been out to a few bars since turning 21, and that has been great too! There have been nights where I have thought, “oh the hell with it, I am going to do whatever anyone wants to do” and those have turned out to be fun as well.

However, there have been so many more where I have struggled to get somewhere and it is too crowded to get in, or the police just broke up the party, etc and we are forced to either go somewhere else or figure out a way home. I have not had a successful or fun night in so long, and at this point weekends aren’t really something to look forward to, well getting a break from classes is nice.

Also, I want to meet a great guy and my past experiences have really set me back of wanting to pursue anything with a man. There have been some guys who I have really liked, things were going well and suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Other times, they claim I am giving off the “I want a relationship vibe” when all they want to do is hook-up. These are such crappy excuses and I have yet to find a guy that is a genuine person and isin’t just interested in f*cking me (to be blunt). I see so many people with great boyfriends and spouses and am jealous, I want it too! I just want to be respected for once.

I’m sure if I looked, I would find something to do. But it’s always the same thing. Pre-game aka drink excessively starting around 9:30 pm, figure out your destination, make plans in a drunken state to get there, arrive at location usually around 11:30 or 12, perhaps get in, and talk to other people that are most likely as or more drunk than you. I am usually so sleepy by that time that all I want to do is go back to my room and get in bed (unless the party is a raging time, rarely it is!)

This is something I should admit: I do drink sometimes, but it’s not too appealing to me and I mostly don’t like “wasting” my calories on alcohol. Hello disordered thoughts! I can still go out and not drink and have a great time, but the main reason I decide not to is so I don’t gain weight. I am able to recognize this part of my irrational thoughts and everything in moderation is the key to happiness, including alcohol. Realistically, alcohol is a huge part of our social lives and culture so I have accepted this and am fine with it. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable drinking a bit, and not always thinking about my god damn weight! This goes to food as well.

Being social takes effort as well. I sometimes am simply too tired to put up a front and act like I am having a great time. It’s easier to be alone. (I know this sounds a bit like Depression, I am dealing with this 🙂 )

I know so many of my feelings are related to wanting to stay in my comfort zone, so I can eat, drink, do and go to bed when I want and not be concerned with others. This is a ridiculous and boring way to live in my opinion, and I often feel I am wasting my youth. I know to meet more people, and perhaps a genuine great guy, I need to go out. But my own fears, the countless setbacks and the times it hasn’t been fun, prevent me from haivng any motivation to get ready and go out.

So hear I am, purging my thoughts and striving to find a way to overcome my own thoughts and actions.

*Any suggestions and can anyone relate?

11 Comments

Filed under College, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Recovery, School, Serious Stuff, UMASS, Weight

5k Dash and Dine Race Recap

Hi readers! Phew, what a great Saturday it has been so far!

This morning was the 5k Dash and Dine to help raise money for the Amherst Survival Center. It is a great program and I was quite glad to contribute to the cause 🙂

The race did not start until 11:00, a much later time then I am used to, but can’t get most college students up much before that. The run was open to the community as well, and overall there were around 600 participants, mostly runners and some that chose to walk. This was the second year of this race, and it has continued to gain support.

Sam the Minuteman!

 

Because it didn’t start until 11, I slept in until 9:15 (quite late for me), had some coffee and pre-race fuel. My breakfast consisted of an apple with almond butter and a bowl of Cascadian Farms Dark Chocolate Almond Granola cereal, phew that’s a mouthful. I got this as a sample from another race I had participated in and today I tried it for the first time. Umm, yumm! I am not a huge chocolate fan (gasp) but there were subtle notes of dark chocolate flavor that I surprisingly really enjoyed. The consistency was crunchy, and not too sweet. It was a nice filling bowl enjoyed with almond milk.

Once I was fueled, it was time to go pick up my bib number. Very conveniently, the race began literally outside my building and I had already pre-registered so I went over about 20 minutes before the start of the race. I picked up my number, ran a 10 minute warm up, and went out right when the gun went off!

The course was hilly, but with a good amount of down-hills as well which helped me to catch my breath. It went all through campus and although it was FREEZING and windy, I had a great race! I was the second woman overall (I tried and failed to catch the lady in front of me, doh!) with a time of 20:25. That’s a bit off my PR, (19:59) but I was quite pleased because I haven’t been doing much speed work lately.

After a 25 minute cool down, it was time for the awards ceremony and I got a trophy! I am still a little kid and feel extra special when getting a prize 😀

*Please excuse these kind of awkward room shots, I was taking the pictures with a timer, as I didn’t have a friend with me to snap a few pics haha

Once I returned to my room, I noticed some dust accumulating in the far corner and went on a mad cleaning spree. Once I get started doing something like this, there’s no stopping me! Cleaning up a bit of dust turned into a full out vacuum, swiffer, dusting episode, and let me tell you, my room smells and looks great now.

I had lunch with Danielle, and I am in Panera Bread with her “doing homework” aka writing this and reading other people’s blogs 🙂 Alright, it is time to disconnect myself from the internet and get started on my Sociology of Childhood paper…. lots of fun!

Good luck to those that ran the DC Half-Marathon today! I hope it went great!

Did anyone else have a race today? Do you like doing work/hanging out in Panera as much as I do?! (aka people watching hehe)

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Filed under Breakfast, College, Fuel, Product Review, Running

RA…Adventures? Story Time

Good evening bloggers!

Once again I am up past my old-person bedtime of 10 and currently sitting in my dorm’s office, where I will remain until 2am. You may be wondering why?!

I go to UMASS, which has that oh-so-lovely status of being a party school, aka UMASS Slamherst, so clever! There are 5 major residential areas of campus, and I am a Residential Adviser (RA) in the area with the worst reputation for being the most out of control. Tonight I am “on-duty” meaning I set up in the main office of my dorm’s building for 6 hours, and walk around every so often to see if anyone is in danger in anyway, usually involving (if not all the time) involving too much alcohol.

I work in all freshman, coed building. There are 9 staff members, including myself and we each have a set number of residents, I have the most with 54. An all freshman building + coed floors + the party central of campus= recipe for disaster and cray stories 😀

What people do and how they behave never ceases to amaze me and actually makes me fear for the future (especially on Friday and Saturday nights)! Here a few events I have encountered, and some have been really scary!

  • One of my residents was growing weed in his room- he was kicked out.
  • Another was keeping a hamster in her room, against the rules.
  • I have almost stepped/walked into throw up that has been outside my room or all over the bathroom, classy.
  • There was a fairly serious fire in one of the rooms on my floor. A candle was lit, the girls left the room and forgot, and the entire room went up in flames. They were expelled 😦
  • When everyone first moved in, our building violated fire safety codes by having an enormous pile of boxes blocking emergency doors on each floor. Apparently its no big thing to have giant, flat-screen televisions while at school! I was awoken at 4am by very angry fire and policemen and told to clear the pile asap. Twas scary!

  • Last Wednesday, I woke up to go pee in the middle of the night and found one of my residents and a guy from another floor having sex in the shower. That was awkward situation to say the least. :p
  • Some of the guy staff members have had to call emergency maintained because some dude decided it would be HILARIOUS to POOP right in the middle of the bathroom floor. Gross.
  • A resident came up to me recently complaining she was being “sexiled” too often from her own room. I had to go tell the roommate to calm down a bit.
  • Countless calls to ambulances because people were dangerously intoxicated and needed to be transported to the hospital for help.

Those are the more memorable issues I have encountered, and I’m sure as the weather gets warmer, the freshman will become even more rambunctious, joy! Reflecting on these does make me laugh though and I have shared many of these times with my wonderful co-workers all of who I have become good friends with.

Halloween!

 

Q: Is/has anyone been an RA? Were your college experiences pretty (or very!) crazy at times? I would love to hear some stories, it would make 2 am come much faster 🙂

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Filed under College, Friends, Funny, RA

Noticing the Changes

Ahh, it’s almost 11:00 pm and I haven’t gone to bed yet! Confession: I am an old lady, I go to bed before 10:00 pm almost every night and am a failure without at least 8 hours! I love those zzzzz’s 🙂

I am up later than usual finishing a paper due, and studying for two exams that are tomorrow. Professors who make exams occur on Friday= pure evil. It’s my own fault I have put off studying until now, and I am clearly still procrastinating as I am choosing to blog instead! Muahaha.

On that note, I had such a refreshing afternoon! The sun was shining bright, the temperatures were above (gasp!) 40 degrees and I went to free sample night at Whole Foods with my best friend Danielle!

This particular store has one free sample night per month each time with a different theme, and you better believe we ALWAYS go to them. She is the only other person I know that gets as excited as I do about grocery shopping. Tis the joy of the month for us (perhaps that’s a bit sad… :P) Today’s theme was “Local Night” where farmers and other store owners around the area brought in some products to try.

As we walked through the store, I sampled gluten-free pizza, gelato, soy milk, bread, candy, and fruit. Overall, the foods were tasty! Yet there was something even better going on, I was actually eating the food I wanted to try.

Before getting a hold on my disordered eating, I would go to events like this and walk around and kind of just look at the food that could be sampled. I picked out groceries as I walked around, but I would not touch the samples that were out. I watched others eat them and I was somewhat envious, yet that feeling of enpowerment was rearing its ugly head, making me feel eletated– that I had the control over myself from eating anything I deemed “unsafe.”

You are probably wondering on earth I would even go to an event with free food I was not going to eat. You know what?! I wonder that too. It was almost like a test for myself, going into a store and seeing what I could resist. I believe this goes along with why I watch Food Network and other food shows constantly. I genuinely enjoy them, but at the same time it’s FOOD PORN from Wikipedia, (provocative term variously applied to a spectacular visual presentation of cooking or eating in infomercials,  cooking shows or other visual media, foods boasting a high fat and calorie content, exotic dishes that arouse a desire to eat). I am looking at the wonderful recipes being created and thinking how great it looks, yet something I would never eat.

It’s a step in the right direction toward recovery and I am glad I am overcoming these seriously effed up thoughts. 🙂 I even splurged a bit and bought some items from the hot and cold food bar, I can’t resist that dang thing!

 

Mmm Pretty Fruit!

 

Danielle!

Before going back to campus I needed requested a coffee.

 

Need coffee now!

We made a stop at my personal favorite place for coffee, Dunkin Donuts! Starbucks is good and all, but I just can’t go wrong with a coffee less than 2 bucks and I savor its perfect light flavor 🙂

Uh oh, it’s pushin 11:30 pm and I still have some studying to do! Time to get PUMPED for that

Fake it till you make it right? 😉

Is anyone else as obsessed with Food Network/other cuisine shows, as me?!Can any readers relate to this kind of scenario, almost torturing yourself with food? Does anyone else LOVE TO STUDY?! Because I do! (Errrr…not.)

Have a lovely night!

 

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Filed under Below The Surface, Confession, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Friends, Product Review, Serious Stuff, Whole Foods