Controlled By Routine

Good Morning everyone! Another lengthy post ahead… 😀

I went on a run this morning despite the on and off rain we have been experiencing since yesterday. It is quite warm out at least, and I ran in shorts and short sleeve, more evidence that we are approaching the wondrous warm weather 🙂 Running the rain (as long as it’s not too cold!) always makes me feel intense, kind of bad ass? Haha, I am slightly embarrassed to admit that but I usually feel really powerful in this kind of weather, which I did today.

(source of picture)

I completed 9 miles in 1 hour and 10 minutes and felt increasingly more energized as the distance went by. Like I mentioned yesterday, I listened to South of Broad by Patrick Conroy on my iPod and once again, made the time go by quite fast. This book is really compelling so far and some of the descriptions make me want to move to the South pronto!

On my run this morning I realized how much I love working out in the early morning, to start my day and to get it over with the rest of the day. I usually do enjoy my workouts, but I still like to complete them, shower and then do whatever else I need to do without a workout impending on my thoughts. This goes along with my addiction to exercising, but I also can’t remember the last time I didn’t work out in the morning- this isn’t at the crack of dawn though! I don’t have class until 11:15 each day so I go for a run/gym around 7:30 which gives me plenty of time to shower after and get ready for the day.

Reflecting on this workout routing allows me to see how much I am love, depend on and am attached to my daily routine. I get up, workout, sort of eat breakfast, go to class, have an hour to do work until lunch, eat lunch, go to my remaining classes, blog, or do homework the rest of the afternoon depending on the day, go to dinner or have dinner in my room, go on the computer a bit more/watch tv, and then go to bed preferably before 10:30 pm. Yep, not exactly a thrilling routine but one that I have become used to and when this schedule is disturbed, or a requirement comes up that was unexpected, my anxiety flourishes, I am irritated and cannot handle the change well.

I can understand now that my routine provides a sense of “comfort” for myself, which goes right along with desiring to have complete control over what I eat/when I eat, exercising, and how my own body looks. I get truly nervous and upset when any part of my routine is disturbed. For example, if I have an unexpected meeting around the time I usually have lunch, I get pissed because my usual lunch time has to change, and I have to maneuver what I am going to eat, or if I have to bring it with me, etc.

Last summer, I would wake up run/workout, eat fruit for breakfast, get anxious if I ate anything else, pack my lunch (salad, no fat sources, egg whites), go to the beach (if I was not working that day), come home and try not to snack until dinner (I always did because duh, I was hungry) which would include a large sweet potato with Greek yogurt, an apple and spinach. I would try not to eat dinner before 7:30 because I feared being hungry before going to bed. Well why not just eat something then right? Nooo because that would be a disturbance in my schedule of course!

My older brother Tucker was living with us for a few weeks last summer and sometimes he liked to have friends over, which gasp, coincided with my dinner time. I didn’t like eating in front of anyone besides my family so I would get so angry when someone unexpectedly came over and disrupted me. I felt I was being judged by his friends, which was not true at all, and they are people I have known for years. They probably couldn’t care less what I was doing and came over to see Tucker, not to see what I was eating. I was so crazed at that point and my attitude lead my brother and I to fight a lot last summer, something I truly regret. I hope he understands it was not completely about him, and that any changes to my daily routine were simply not allowed with me.

Another story:  as an RA, emergencies occur usually on the weekends and in the middle of the night which require me to get up. “OH NO! I’m going to miss out on my usual 8-9 hours, my workout the next morning is not going to be as successful, I am going to be tired the rest of the day, and my eating will be off!” During these incidents I turn into an unpleasant bitch, as if the world is revolving around me and I am the only one that is affected by a disturbance in sleep. However, the other members of my staff obviously have to get up too and they put on a smile and deal with the situation in a necessary fashion.

 

We had to clear these boxes in the middle of the night after move-in day! Fire Safety Issues

This is all about food, which I have come to realize and can admit to. I want to eat the food that I want to eat, when I want it, and in the environment of my choice. This is why going out to a restaurant that is unfamiliar causes me to become a nervous wreck. What if there is nothing I want to eat? Or what if everything is smothered in butter/oil? What if we have to wait and I have to eat later in the evening then I want to? I might still be hungry after eating! <– These are all the thoughts plaguing me when I go out to eat and prevents me from enjoying the company I am with and the chance to be in a new environment trying something new. All I can think of is how this unfamiliar food and change in my routine is going to make me FAT.

What a way to live right? No, this needs to stop and I think recognizing this is a necessary first step. Again, this goes along with my addiction to exercise and my anxiety when I take a day off. Resting for a day is a change in my intensive workout schedule, and my irrational thinking= I will lose everything I have worked for, lose muscle, gain fat, blah blah blah. For so long I have believed that my controlling my routine and every aspect of my life would make me happier, but in fact, holding on to my “schedule” has increasingly upset me and make me cling to even more. I am petrified of letting go of this routine but know I need to.

Perhaps people can relate to this? Does anyone else turn into an irrational bitch if something is slightly off? I do not think this is a great quality to have at all, and “going with the flow” is a goal of mine I am determined to achieve and make a peace of mind with my once controlling schedule. 🙂

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4 Comments

Filed under Confession, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Exercise, Recovery, Running, Serious Stuff, Weight

4 responses to “Controlled By Routine

  1. I have the same issue – I turn into a bear if something unexpected comes up and messes up my plans for the day! I wish I could be more spontaneous (I’ve definitely gotten better since coming to school), but my parents aren’t exactly spontaneous either so I’ve kind of accepted that I might not be either.

    You are so in tune with yourself – I think it’s awesome!

    • “Turn into a bear” haha this made me laugh 🙂 because I completely do the same thing as described! Spontaneous and me simply don’t go together, when I go into a situation I need to know everything about where I am going
      Thank you for that nice compliment, I think it is helping me to be so truthful!

  2. aluckybreak

    This is me exactly! I’ve just never had the nerve to open up and say it. It seems as if everyone I know is so spontaneous and exciting and here I am with my exact work and school schedule. If someone asks me for a ride that might take 20 minutes or drops in unexpectedly, I freak out. I don’t know why breaking the routine is so uncomfortable, but it is.

    • Hey girl, thanks for stopping by!

      I didn’t used to have the nerve to admit to all of this, but I think honestly expressing my thoughts is helping me so much toward recovery! I don’t think I will ever be as spontaneous as some of the people I know (and that you do it seems) but I think we could try to loosen up a bit and at least attempt “to go with the flow.” I completely understand of course, a change in routine is extremely uncomfortable but small changes will make it easier 🙂

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