Category Archives: Disorded Thoughts

It’s a Saturday Night…

(*Side Note: A difficult relationship with food and accepting my body has prevented me from enjoying so many things life has to offer, here is yet another example)

I apologize in advance. This post is all over the place, I just needed to type what is currently on my mind! Sorry it’s a bit depressing as well!

And I am sitting in my room at my desk doing some homework, reading blogs, and listening to Food Network on TV in the background. This situation is quite ideal for me, it’s relaxing, somewhat productive, and comfortable. And yet, something is bothering me as I sit here, getting ready to change into pjs, I am a 21 year old college student who rarely goes out, has minimal close friends, and prefers being alone.

I am the kind of person that thrives off of routine and maintaining control. This often occurs around food, hence why I have had such struggles with disordered eating. The idea of being spontaneous, or “going with the flow” are so foreign to me. I fear being in situations where I have little control, and this does not go well with partying in college.

“Going out” at least for me and the people I know, usually involves hearing about some house/frat/sports party that is somewhere off campus, that maybe will be fun, which could possibly let you in, and oh yeah, it’s going to be so crowded it will be like trying to socialize in a sardine can. Sounds fantastic right?

I don’t want to sound like a complete sourpuss though! I have had plenty of fun nights in college. Going out with my track team is usually a great time, where the number of people is somewhat controlled and I can get my groove on :). I also have been out to a few bars since turning 21, and that has been great too! There have been nights where I have thought, “oh the hell with it, I am going to do whatever anyone wants to do” and those have turned out to be fun as well.

However, there have been so many more where I have struggled to get somewhere and it is too crowded to get in, or the police just broke up the party, etc and we are forced to either go somewhere else or figure out a way home. I have not had a successful or fun night in so long, and at this point weekends aren’t really something to look forward to, well getting a break from classes is nice.

Also, I want to meet a great guy and my past experiences have really set me back of wanting to pursue anything with a man. There have been some guys who I have really liked, things were going well and suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Other times, they claim I am giving off the “I want a relationship vibe” when all they want to do is hook-up. These are such crappy excuses and I have yet to find a guy that is a genuine person and isin’t just interested in f*cking me (to be blunt). I see so many people with great boyfriends and spouses and am jealous, I want it too! I just want to be respected for once.

I’m sure if I looked, I would find something to do. But it’s always the same thing. Pre-game aka drink excessively starting around 9:30 pm, figure out your destination, make plans in a drunken state to get there, arrive at location usually around 11:30 or 12, perhaps get in, and talk to other people that are most likely as or more drunk than you. I am usually so sleepy by that time that all I want to do is go back to my room and get in bed (unless the party is a raging time, rarely it is!)

This is something I should admit: I do drink sometimes, but it’s not too appealing to me and I mostly don’t like “wasting” my calories on alcohol. Hello disordered thoughts! I can still go out and not drink and have a great time, but the main reason I decide not to is so I don’t gain weight. I am able to recognize this part of my irrational thoughts and everything in moderation is the key to happiness, including alcohol. Realistically, alcohol is a huge part of our social lives and culture so I have accepted this and am fine with it. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable drinking a bit, and not always thinking about my god damn weight! This goes to food as well.

Being social takes effort as well. I sometimes am simply too tired to put up a front and act like I am having a great time. It’s easier to be alone. (I know this sounds a bit like Depression, I am dealing with this 🙂 )

I know so many of my feelings are related to wanting to stay in my comfort zone, so I can eat, drink, do and go to bed when I want and not be concerned with others. This is a ridiculous and boring way to live in my opinion, and I often feel I am wasting my youth. I know to meet more people, and perhaps a genuine great guy, I need to go out. But my own fears, the countless setbacks and the times it hasn’t been fun, prevent me from haivng any motivation to get ready and go out.

So hear I am, purging my thoughts and striving to find a way to overcome my own thoughts and actions.

*Any suggestions and can anyone relate?

11 Comments

Filed under College, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Recovery, School, Serious Stuff, UMASS, Weight

It's a Saturday Night…

(*Side Note: A difficult relationship with food and accepting my body has prevented me from enjoying so many things life has to offer, here is yet another example)

I apologize in advance. This post is all over the place, I just needed to type what is currently on my mind! Sorry it’s a bit depressing as well!

And I am sitting in my room at my desk doing some homework, reading blogs, and listening to Food Network on TV in the background. This situation is quite ideal for me, it’s relaxing, somewhat productive, and comfortable. And yet, something is bothering me as I sit here, getting ready to change into pjs, I am a 21 year old college student who rarely goes out, has minimal close friends, and prefers being alone.

I am the kind of person that thrives off of routine and maintaining control. This often occurs around food, hence why I have had such struggles with disordered eating. The idea of being spontaneous, or “going with the flow” are so foreign to me. I fear being in situations where I have little control, and this does not go well with partying in college.

“Going out” at least for me and the people I know, usually involves hearing about some house/frat/sports party that is somewhere off campus, that maybe will be fun, which could possibly let you in, and oh yeah, it’s going to be so crowded it will be like trying to socialize in a sardine can. Sounds fantastic right?

I don’t want to sound like a complete sourpuss though! I have had plenty of fun nights in college. Going out with my track team is usually a great time, where the number of people is somewhat controlled and I can get my groove on :). I also have been out to a few bars since turning 21, and that has been great too! There have been nights where I have thought, “oh the hell with it, I am going to do whatever anyone wants to do” and those have turned out to be fun as well.

However, there have been so many more where I have struggled to get somewhere and it is too crowded to get in, or the police just broke up the party, etc and we are forced to either go somewhere else or figure out a way home. I have not had a successful or fun night in so long, and at this point weekends aren’t really something to look forward to, well getting a break from classes is nice.

Also, I want to meet a great guy and my past experiences have really set me back of wanting to pursue anything with a man. There have been some guys who I have really liked, things were going well and suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Other times, they claim I am giving off the “I want a relationship vibe” when all they want to do is hook-up. These are such crappy excuses and I have yet to find a guy that is a genuine person and isin’t just interested in f*cking me (to be blunt). I see so many people with great boyfriends and spouses and am jealous, I want it too! I just want to be respected for once.

I’m sure if I looked, I would find something to do. But it’s always the same thing. Pre-game aka drink excessively starting around 9:30 pm, figure out your destination, make plans in a drunken state to get there, arrive at location usually around 11:30 or 12, perhaps get in, and talk to other people that are most likely as or more drunk than you. I am usually so sleepy by that time that all I want to do is go back to my room and get in bed (unless the party is a raging time, rarely it is!)

This is something I should admit: I do drink sometimes, but it’s not too appealing to me and I mostly don’t like “wasting” my calories on alcohol. Hello disordered thoughts! I can still go out and not drink and have a great time, but the main reason I decide not to is so I don’t gain weight. I am able to recognize this part of my irrational thoughts and everything in moderation is the key to happiness, including alcohol. Realistically, alcohol is a huge part of our social lives and culture so I have accepted this and am fine with it. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable drinking a bit, and not always thinking about my god damn weight! This goes to food as well.

Being social takes effort as well. I sometimes am simply too tired to put up a front and act like I am having a great time. It’s easier to be alone. (I know this sounds a bit like Depression, I am dealing with this 🙂 )

I know so many of my feelings are related to wanting to stay in my comfort zone, so I can eat, drink, do and go to bed when I want and not be concerned with others. This is a ridiculous and boring way to live in my opinion, and I often feel I am wasting my youth. I know to meet more people, and perhaps a genuine great guy, I need to go out. But my own fears, the countless setbacks and the times it hasn’t been fun, prevent me from haivng any motivation to get ready and go out.

So hear I am, purging my thoughts and striving to find a way to overcome my own thoughts and actions.

*Any suggestions and can anyone relate?

11 Comments

Filed under College, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Recovery, School, Serious Stuff, UMASS, Weight

Noticing the Changes

Ahh, it’s almost 11:00 pm and I haven’t gone to bed yet! Confession: I am an old lady, I go to bed before 10:00 pm almost every night and am a failure without at least 8 hours! I love those zzzzz’s 🙂

I am up later than usual finishing a paper due, and studying for two exams that are tomorrow. Professors who make exams occur on Friday= pure evil. It’s my own fault I have put off studying until now, and I am clearly still procrastinating as I am choosing to blog instead! Muahaha.

On that note, I had such a refreshing afternoon! The sun was shining bright, the temperatures were above (gasp!) 40 degrees and I went to free sample night at Whole Foods with my best friend Danielle!

This particular store has one free sample night per month each time with a different theme, and you better believe we ALWAYS go to them. She is the only other person I know that gets as excited as I do about grocery shopping. Tis the joy of the month for us (perhaps that’s a bit sad… :P) Today’s theme was “Local Night” where farmers and other store owners around the area brought in some products to try.

As we walked through the store, I sampled gluten-free pizza, gelato, soy milk, bread, candy, and fruit. Overall, the foods were tasty! Yet there was something even better going on, I was actually eating the food I wanted to try.

Before getting a hold on my disordered eating, I would go to events like this and walk around and kind of just look at the food that could be sampled. I picked out groceries as I walked around, but I would not touch the samples that were out. I watched others eat them and I was somewhat envious, yet that feeling of enpowerment was rearing its ugly head, making me feel eletated– that I had the control over myself from eating anything I deemed “unsafe.”

You are probably wondering on earth I would even go to an event with free food I was not going to eat. You know what?! I wonder that too. It was almost like a test for myself, going into a store and seeing what I could resist. I believe this goes along with why I watch Food Network and other food shows constantly. I genuinely enjoy them, but at the same time it’s FOOD PORN from Wikipedia, (provocative term variously applied to a spectacular visual presentation of cooking or eating in infomercials,  cooking shows or other visual media, foods boasting a high fat and calorie content, exotic dishes that arouse a desire to eat). I am looking at the wonderful recipes being created and thinking how great it looks, yet something I would never eat.

It’s a step in the right direction toward recovery and I am glad I am overcoming these seriously effed up thoughts. 🙂 I even splurged a bit and bought some items from the hot and cold food bar, I can’t resist that dang thing!

 

Mmm Pretty Fruit!

 

Danielle!

Before going back to campus I needed requested a coffee.

 

Need coffee now!

We made a stop at my personal favorite place for coffee, Dunkin Donuts! Starbucks is good and all, but I just can’t go wrong with a coffee less than 2 bucks and I savor its perfect light flavor 🙂

Uh oh, it’s pushin 11:30 pm and I still have some studying to do! Time to get PUMPED for that

Fake it till you make it right? 😉

Is anyone else as obsessed with Food Network/other cuisine shows, as me?!Can any readers relate to this kind of scenario, almost torturing yourself with food? Does anyone else LOVE TO STUDY?! Because I do! (Errrr…not.)

Have a lovely night!

 

4 Comments

Filed under Below The Surface, Confession, Disorded Thoughts, Disordered Eating, Friends, Product Review, Serious Stuff, Whole Foods

Dear Bathroom Scale,

I am just going to come out and say it, we need to break up.

Because we have been together for so long, this may come as a shock to you. However, our relationship has gone on for far too long at this point, and I really don’t see this going anywhere.

You have always been a presence in my house, but we did not make a true connection until I joined Weight Watchers, and you and I had our weekly Tuesday dates. There was another person there though, the woman who would moderate our relationship, praise me if your numbers showed a decrease of weight, and a “you’ll do better next week” if you showed a gain. However, no matter what the number said, I was never happy, determined to lose even more weight the next week.

Eventually, I stopped going to Weight Watchers, but you, my precious scale, stayed with me. You came with me to college, where you stayed hidden under my bed, because I feared what my roommate would think if she knew of you and how much our relationship had grown. I could no longer wait a whole week to see you, so weighing myself on you became a daily expectation, a routine that has continued to this day.

Last summer was when I felt my strongest need for you. As soon as you showed a number I approved of, relief would flood through my body. The rest of the day I would be in a great mood, yet would cling even more to my rigid food and exercise schedule so I could see this number again. And yet in the back of mind, I sought to lessen the number even more, something that you helped me to accomplish by being readily available.

Unfortunately, what results you presented to me were not always what I wanted. When these days occurred, my mood would deteriorate, restriction of food would occur, exercise would intensify, and I would be anxious until the next morning, when the number said “normal” again. I would get so frustrated sometimes, “why do you fluctuate so often?!”

You may have noticed, but since the beginning of this year, our relationship has begun to deteriorate. Yes, it is true that at this point I still see you on a daily basis, but I am finally taking the number I see with a grain of salt. Not going to lie though, when I first saw the numbers increasing, it was terrifying and almost led me to become further obsessed with you. But there have been outside sources of rationality that are helping me to understand how little the number that shows my “weight” actually means.

You do not properly weigh muscle, healthy fat, water retention; things I am working so hard at building up again because we both broke these down to an unhealthy level. I am understanding that what appears on your screen does not define me, it is a freakin number that means nothing.

Scale, we are done. It is time I met new people, tried new things, ate some food, and these things won’t happen if we stay together. There is so much more to life than you, and fortunetely I am discovering this now and finding the real joys that life has to offer.

Perhaps I will see you once in awhile after this point. Honestly though, I doubt it. It has certainly been a long journey with you, but one that has ended.

Best wishes from a formerly obsessed woman,

Tessa

12 Comments

Filed under Below The Surface, Confession, Disorded Thoughts, Recovery, Scale, Weight, Weight Watchers

Product Reviews and Below The Surface- Fear Food: Cereal

Good morning readers!

I got in a nice run this morning, it was about 6.3 miles at a 7:45 pace, which seems to be my usual pace for runs these days. It used to be around 8:30 so diligence towards the sport really shows how much it is possible to improve. I ended the run at the Rec Center where I took a core class for 35 minutes. I am definitely feeling the effects of the routine now, I really need to work on my core strength, which has been proven to make you faster and more efficient while running. Fit Sugar explains this idea really well, check it out!

After I got back I showered and had a quick breakfast before my first class at 11:15. I had a big bowl of cereal:

  • 1/2 cup Blueberry Muffin Mini Wheats= one of my all time favorite cereals. This is a new-ish discovery and it tastes like a delicious blueberry muffin in a crunchy, wheaty, sweet form…yum 🙂
  • 1/2 cup Quaker Oat Squares (Cinnamon)= also amazing! I first saw these from Allie’s Blog, and have seen them appear more and more across the Blog world. Another example of its crazy influence!
  • 1/2 cup Almond Milk
  • Trader Joe’s Berry Greek Yogurt= this was really tasty! I have tried several different types of Greek Yogurt and this has been deemed one of my new favorites. It was pretty think, not too sweet, with a subtle fruit taste, and not too much $$, always something to consider, as I am a bit poor at the moment.
  • A sprinkle of slivered almonds
  • Apple

After finishing this breakfast, it made me realize how much my eating and refueling has improved on my road to recovery, but also reminds me of foods I once truly feared and am working to incorporate them on daily basis.

There are several I can think of, today I will talk about cereal.

I used to be a cereal FANATIC. I literally loved every kind of sugary, fake kinds you could think of; Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Krispies, Frosted Flakes, Golden Grahams, Cap’n Crunch, Crunch Berries, oh my I could go on. I would have 2-3 bowls (not measured) every morning before school and then 1-2 when I got home and perhaps one for dinner 🙂

When I started Weight Watchers however, the point system helped to teach portion sizes and made me realize I was using about half of my daily points on cereal in the morning. Although portions are good to learn, WW once again made me obsessed with this and led to habit changes. I found healthier cereals, such as Fiber One, Kashi, and other Organic cereals, that I could have for much less points and were more satisfying. I eventually cut down to one, pre-measured bowl of cereal in the morning and none for the rest of the day.

As my obsession around WW, food and weight became more intense, I took a look at my breakfast and irrationality reared its ugly head. This small bowl of cereal was not satisfying me at all, leaving me hungry almost immediately after I had finished it. Instead of adding more cereal, healthy fats, or protein, I thought this food was just going to make me fat because it made me hungry. I then started to consume fruit for breakfast instead, as a way to fill me up for the lower calories (in my mind). Eventually I stopped having breakfast all together, but that’s for another post 🙂

I had this idea that the Carbs from cereal were the ones that caused people to gain weight, and fruit would prevent this. What I didn’t understand at the time that I was simply not eating enough and a balance of nutrients in the morning to sustain me.

Cereal is not the enemy and never has been, and it’s now once again, it is among my favorite foods! Any kind still: though I try to pick the ones with ingredients I can actually pronounce and that have a good amount of fiber and protein. Also, coupling cereal with fruit and a healthy fat, such as a bowl with a sliced banana, skim milk, and nuts sprinkled on top, will really help to keep me full.

I have so many other fear foods I am overcoming, including pasta, FATS, pizza, sweet treats, pastries, cakes, okay so alot. I will discuss these soon as well!

Has anyone experienced fears around certain foods? What have you done to overcome this?

10 Comments

Filed under Below The Surface, Breakfast, Disorded Thoughts, Favorite Foods, Fitness, Fuel, Product Review, Running, Trader Joes, Weight Watchers