Category Archives: I’m Just Sayin’

Below The Surface- (Past) Reasons For Baking

In addition to the posts I am planning to write about my development of disordered eating and how I am recovering, I also wanted to do a series on specific things that are part of the issue. I have seen this on other blogs, such as Melissa’s Trying To Heal, and thought it would be a great idea to talk about my own fears, habits, and rituals. Perhaps people can relate to these, and I would love to hear from others on their own experiences and input!

*I am not trying to offend anyone in this post! It may seem like I am, or have a bad view of people later in the post, but that is certainly not the case. I was so irrational and crazy at that point.

I am beginning these posts with a discussion on my interest in baking and how it has evolved. I realized how much I wanted to write about this as I had spent this afternoon baking raspberry oat bars with a crumb topping (recipe to come!). I have been doing a whole buncha baking since being home for spring break, it’s been fab!

I had always loved to bake, this beginning at a young age. It was never anything complex, just simple brownie, cookie, and cake recipes that began from a boxed mix (they always turn out perfect). In addition, pancake making became my favorite activity! After watching my mom cook these hot cakes almost every weekend for a few years, I took over the position around the age of 9. It was a ritual I looked forward to: using a boxed mix, adding milk, eggs, and oil a few stirs (keep the batter lumpy 🙂 ) and then a big ole pour of the first pancake onto the hot griddle. That first one was always mine because it had the most butter on it from soaking up the freshly buttered pan. I would consume its fattening deliciousness while making the rest of the batch and would also eat some of the batter, don’t knock it until you try it! :p

These pancakes were a favorite of mine, they tasted great, always came out perfect, were easy to make and everyone loved them. As I grew older, I began baking more and experimenting with more complex recipes (well complex for me). Instead of using boxed mixes, I would bake brownies, bars, cookies, cakes, truffles, fudge, etc, from scratch. Although the finished product was not always perfect, it was fun trying to figure out what went wrong and how to improve it for next time. I would taste test the food of course, savoring and sharing the baked goods which came out to perfection.

When my disordered eating worsened, and I became fixated on losing weight, and only eat what I considered “safe” I continued to bake, but NEVER ate any of my own food. I would make buttery, oily, fatty desserts and bring them to school for my friends to enjoy. I loved seeing their reactions and give me their thanks and words of pleasure as they graded and enjoyed my food. In my own kinda messed up mind, it was like I was living vicariously through them and eating the desserts.

But also, making chocolate chip cookies from scratch (for example) and not eating a single bite of the dough or the finished product gave me a bit of a rush and feeling on control. These feelings would embellish when I would see my peers eating the food I believed they would feel guilty about and would make them fat, yet they could not resist it. But HA! I COULD! The insane control I had over myself gave me a high, I believed I was stronger than these people by denying myself pleasurable food and would not be feeling guilty like they all were.

I am quite aware of how positively messed up this is. Because I was depriving myself of what I truly wanted, I became obsessed with researching recipes online, in magazines, books, and from other people. They were always for foods I would never touch myself, but knew other people would enjoy the finished product. I was attempting to suppress my desire for food, yet was actually worsening it because my body was in a state of semi-starvation mode.

I read an an article recently that was describing a test that had been conducted in 1944 in Minnesota. It studied a group of men that volunteered to be on a restricted diet for a period of time and then have the results measured. The findings were remarkable and one noted piece was that the men became obsessed with food- researching and fantasizing about it, constantly going grocery shopping, creating recipe collections of foods they could not eat, talking about it and so many other effects. Here is the link to the Wikipedia description of the study, The Starvation Study.

When I first read this, it was quite shocking how many of the effects the men faced in the study, I was also battling in my own life. I developed such a focus on food because my body was obviously trying to tell me something, EAT!

This reading, plus other supportive methods are getting me out of the deprivation/food obsessed mode. Now when I bake, I do actually EAT what I create, and always sample the batter! By the way, yellow cake mix and brownie batter are definitely my favorite :D. And nope, I don’t worry about food poisoning from the eggs!

I hope this post was helpful to anyone that read it. Reflecting on these memories enables me to realize how irrational I have been and how the mind is a very powerful thing, to put it simply!

One last question, what are some of your favorite dessert recipes, I got a hankerin to try something new! 🙂

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Filed under Baking, Childhood, Confession, ED, I'm Just Sayin', Recovery

I’m Just Sayin’ (Part 2) The Path to Weight Watchers

(I am naming my posts of disordered issues, “I’m Just Sayin,” because it is a phrase my mom and I use often, and it’s a way to express what I will be talking about 😀 )

There are several reasons I started this blog. My passion for food, nutrition, fitness, running, school, family, are just a few of the things I am constantly thinking about and want to share my thoughts/experiences with these on here!

This is my second post on the reasons I developed a strange relationship with food and my body, and the ways I am recovering, getting help, and making peace with myself. I hope you enjoy!

As I have mentioned however, there is an underlying issue I have been dealing with several years now, and one I am slowly (but surely!) over coming. I am speaking of my long battle with disordered eating, such as an intense focus on my weight, when/what/quantities I would eat, only consuming foods I considered “safe,” rituals and routines around meal times, meeting a certain amount of exercise per day (which I deemed enough), and pretty much focusing, concentrating on food and nutrition constantly, an unhealthy obsession.

In part 1, I discussed how my height, and being known as the “big girl” really bothered me, especially beginning in sixth grade. I referred to middle school as the “dark years” when kids were becoming more aware of their own and others physical features. After I recovered from first experience with an eating disorder (discussed in my last post) I entered into high school and was no longer focusing on height and the discomfort I felt within my own body.

There were many positive things in my life at this point. I used to be on a competitive swimmer for the local YMCA, committing countless hours to this sport and usually getting great results at meets. My favorite stoke was freestyle and longer distance events were my forte. Starting high school meant joining my high school swim team, which I was on simultaneously with the Y team with several of my friends.. Because of my past experience with swimming on another team, my friends and I were some of the best on the high school team. Even as freshman, we were regarded as people you should look to for help with swimming, and I loved the social connections I obtained from being a part of two teams.

Each year of high school got better and better- I was incorporated into a fabulous group of friends, with a seriously perfect ratio of guys to girls 15:15. I was close with each of the people considered to be “part of the group.” Swimming continued to go well, my grades were consistently good, and I looked forward to school each day to see my friends. I also had my first boy friend my Junior year, who I can say, I fell in love with. Life seemed pretty darn good!

Although like a normal female I did sometimes focus on what I was eating, and my looks, I was not too concerned because I knew the 2 hour long intense swim practices would compensate for any extra calories I consumed. And it did, I stayed at a relatively stable weight until my senior year of high school and was, for the most part, comfortable with myself. The amount I would eat when I was swimming was almost absurd, but I was SO HUNGRY all of the time from the demanding practices. Some things I used to eat:

  • 4-5 bowls of cereal at a time (breakfast and sometimes after school too). I am talkin the sugary kinds, Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Life were among my favs!
  • Half a bag of either Sunchips, Goldfish, Chex Mix, usually after school
  • A crap load of bread, bagels with butter, creamcheese, sometimes pb (Skippy, NOT NATURAL all the way 🙂 )
  • And a bunch of other things, usually in large quanities and portions.

I was somewhat aware of choices that were better than others, Sunchips as opposed to friend potato chips for example, but my portions were completely out of control.

After about 12 years of swimming, I really could not imagine doing it anymore. I was so sick of the whole dang sport and the passion I once had for this sport was gone. At this point, it was February of my senior year, I had an idea of the college I would be attending, and I knew I would not be swimming there, so i quit.

I still have no regrets with this, as it did eventually lead me to become a runner, but it also caused me to gain weight. I continued eating like I was when swimming and I gained fairly quickly. It is not as noticeable on me to others because of my height, but I was certainly aware of it, especially when I was purchasing a pair of pants in a large size I never thought I would reach. After this shopping trip, I was even more conscious of the amount of weight I had gained and decided I would do something about it.

One day in April of 2008 (still senior year of high school) I was feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and complaining to a friend about it. I knew she also struggled with her weight and body image so she suggested we try to lose a few pounds together. I was all for it, especially when she suggested we sign up for Weight Watchers. I had never even considered this option, but she said her mom had great results when she was on the program and it taught her a lot about proper nutrition, portion sizes, different exercises, and it made you stay accountable with weekly weigh-ins.

After talking it over with my mom, who didn’t think I needed to lose weight btw, she agreed to let me sign up and even pay for the first few months. That very day after school, my friend and I drove to the Weight Watchers center, signed up and were each weighed. I am not going to post numbers, in case this could potentially trigger anyone with ED related issues, but it was a number I was NOT expecting which led me to be even more gung-ho for the program.

However, little did I know at the time that Weight Watchers was the beginning of the end so-to-speak. It sparked the obsession in my mind concerning food and fitness that has plagued me ever since.

*Next part- Weight Watchers, friend or foe, and how the combination of the program and my compulsive mind led me to a road of destruction in countless ways.

7 Comments

Filed under High Schoolo, I'm Just Sayin', Swim Team, Weight Watchers

I'm Just Sayin' (Part 2) The Path to Weight Watchers

(I am naming my posts of disordered issues, “I’m Just Sayin,” because it is a phrase my mom and I use often, and it’s a way to express what I will be talking about 😀 )

There are several reasons I started this blog. My passion for food, nutrition, fitness, running, school, family, are just a few of the things I am constantly thinking about and want to share my thoughts/experiences with these on here!

This is my second post on the reasons I developed a strange relationship with food and my body, and the ways I am recovering, getting help, and making peace with myself. I hope you enjoy!

As I have mentioned however, there is an underlying issue I have been dealing with several years now, and one I am slowly (but surely!) over coming. I am speaking of my long battle with disordered eating, such as an intense focus on my weight, when/what/quantities I would eat, only consuming foods I considered “safe,” rituals and routines around meal times, meeting a certain amount of exercise per day (which I deemed enough), and pretty much focusing, concentrating on food and nutrition constantly, an unhealthy obsession.

In part 1, I discussed how my height, and being known as the “big girl” really bothered me, especially beginning in sixth grade. I referred to middle school as the “dark years” when kids were becoming more aware of their own and others physical features. After I recovered from first experience with an eating disorder (discussed in my last post) I entered into high school and was no longer focusing on height and the discomfort I felt within my own body.

There were many positive things in my life at this point. I used to be on a competitive swimmer for the local YMCA, committing countless hours to this sport and usually getting great results at meets. My favorite stoke was freestyle and longer distance events were my forte. Starting high school meant joining my high school swim team, which I was on simultaneously with the Y team with several of my friends.. Because of my past experience with swimming on another team, my friends and I were some of the best on the high school team. Even as freshman, we were regarded as people you should look to for help with swimming, and I loved the social connections I obtained from being a part of two teams.

Each year of high school got better and better- I was incorporated into a fabulous group of friends, with a seriously perfect ratio of guys to girls 15:15. I was close with each of the people considered to be “part of the group.” Swimming continued to go well, my grades were consistently good, and I looked forward to school each day to see my friends. I also had my first boy friend my Junior year, who I can say, I fell in love with. Life seemed pretty darn good!

Although like a normal female I did sometimes focus on what I was eating, and my looks, I was not too concerned because I knew the 2 hour long intense swim practices would compensate for any extra calories I consumed. And it did, I stayed at a relatively stable weight until my senior year of high school and was, for the most part, comfortable with myself. The amount I would eat when I was swimming was almost absurd, but I was SO HUNGRY all of the time from the demanding practices. Some things I used to eat:

  • 4-5 bowls of cereal at a time (breakfast and sometimes after school too). I am talkin the sugary kinds, Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Life were among my favs!
  • Half a bag of either Sunchips, Goldfish, Chex Mix, usually after school
  • A crap load of bread, bagels with butter, creamcheese, sometimes pb (Skippy, NOT NATURAL all the way 🙂 )
  • And a bunch of other things, usually in large quanities and portions.

I was somewhat aware of choices that were better than others, Sunchips as opposed to friend potato chips for example, but my portions were completely out of control.

After about 12 years of swimming, I really could not imagine doing it anymore. I was so sick of the whole dang sport and the passion I once had for this sport was gone. At this point, it was February of my senior year, I had an idea of the college I would be attending, and I knew I would not be swimming there, so i quit.

I still have no regrets with this, as it did eventually lead me to become a runner, but it also caused me to gain weight. I continued eating like I was when swimming and I gained fairly quickly. It is not as noticeable on me to others because of my height, but I was certainly aware of it, especially when I was purchasing a pair of pants in a large size I never thought I would reach. After this shopping trip, I was even more conscious of the amount of weight I had gained and decided I would do something about it.

One day in April of 2008 (still senior year of high school) I was feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and complaining to a friend about it. I knew she also struggled with her weight and body image so she suggested we try to lose a few pounds together. I was all for it, especially when she suggested we sign up for Weight Watchers. I had never even considered this option, but she said her mom had great results when she was on the program and it taught her a lot about proper nutrition, portion sizes, different exercises, and it made you stay accountable with weekly weigh-ins.

After talking it over with my mom, who didn’t think I needed to lose weight btw, she agreed to let me sign up and even pay for the first few months. That very day after school, my friend and I drove to the Weight Watchers center, signed up and were each weighed. I am not going to post numbers, in case this could potentially trigger anyone with ED related issues, but it was a number I was NOT expecting which led me to be even more gung-ho for the program.

However, little did I know at the time that Weight Watchers was the beginning of the end so-to-speak. It sparked the obsession in my mind concerning food and fitness that has plagued me ever since.

*Next part- Weight Watchers, friend or foe, and how the combination of the program and my compulsive mind led me to a road of destruction in countless ways.

7 Comments

Filed under High Schoolo, I'm Just Sayin', Swim Team, Weight Watchers

I’m Just Sayin’ (Part 1) Beginning the Long Road

I am planning to do a few posts about how I developed disordered eating habits. I am calling it “Im Just Sayin” as a sort of fun way to catch your attention and it’s a phrase my mom and I use quite often!

I wanted to write this in a few posts so I could tell my story, but also not bore people to tears on the length! Angela, from OhSheGlows, did a similar style on her amazing blog, telling about her eating disorder, recovery, and finding true joy in life. I read her blog everyday and her entries have helped me a tremendous amount. And her recipes are to DIE FOR! Nom nom!

I didn’t post yesterday because I have been attempting to figure out WordPress and update my blog! I added a new page about running, and am trying to make it as visually appealing as possible. I am certainly not the most tech-savvy person, so understanding this website has been difficult, but I am up for the challenge!

After checking out the Hollaback Health website (which offers great blogging tips) I realized one of the most important things I should do as a new blogger, is to write about what I WANT to tell readers about. I am psyched to do posts on nutrition, my training, running, etc, but a huge part of me is the disordered eating I battle with, so writing about it not only purges my own feelings and allows me to reflect on my choices, but it also may be helpful for someone out there to read about and possibly relate to.

Let me start by explaining that I am 5’10”, which is fairly tall for a woman. I have always been taller than my peers, yet it did not start to bother me until sixth grade. I was 12 years old at the time, and becoming more of my height, and the discomfort it was giving me. Middle school, or the “dark ages” as I like to refer to it, was a time where girls and boys were reaching a point of becoming aware of their own bodies, their peers, and how they appeared to others around them. Looks were now important, what clothes you were wearing, make up, and yes, even how much you weighed.

My height began to bother me when I took notice of my oh-so-petite friends getting attention from boys in my class. During recess, we would play games with the boys, and somehow I always ended up being the strong, forceful one, such as during games of kickball, chasing, red rover (ugh) and others. I was also a bit chubby at the time, nothing too abnormal, but a few extra pounds were there. When boys saw me, I imagined them seeing a huge, towering, chubby girl with braces and bushy hair. No one had a crush on me, yet I wanted that attention that my tiny, cutsie friends were receiving.

This is where my attitudes towards eating were changing. Although I could do nothing about my height, I could at least lose a few pounds to not appear as large (in my mind). Hence my disordered views towards food began, and I did lose weight! However, I was getting too thin, something my mom took notice of and she told me to stop, which surprisingly i did. It was as simple as that at the time– I was tired of being hungry, and wanted to enjoy ice cream, treats and fast food again with my friends.

Unfortunately, my recovery only lasted a few years and I entered the world of disordered eating once again, at 18 years old.

*NEXT- I will tell about the next part of journey toward permanent recover and how Weight Watchers is a part of this!

Can you believe this was happening in Sixth grade?! Now girls and a small amount of boys, are developing eating issues even younger in life, because of media, peer, parental and other influences. Although we are taking steps in the right direction, such as the wonderful work that Caitlin does with Operation Beautiful, we need to continue this trend to stop these views of what a great body looks like, according to media standards.

1 Comment

Filed under Awesome Bloggers, Childhood, ED, I'm Just Sayin'

I'm Just Sayin' (Part 1) Beginning the Long Road

I am planning to do a few posts about how I developed disordered eating habits. I am calling it “Im Just Sayin” as a sort of fun way to catch your attention and it’s a phrase my mom and I use quite often!

I wanted to write this in a few posts so I could tell my story, but also not bore people to tears on the length! Angela, from OhSheGlows, did a similar style on her amazing blog, telling about her eating disorder, recovery, and finding true joy in life. I read her blog everyday and her entries have helped me a tremendous amount. And her recipes are to DIE FOR! Nom nom!

I didn’t post yesterday because I have been attempting to figure out WordPress and update my blog! I added a new page about running, and am trying to make it as visually appealing as possible. I am certainly not the most tech-savvy person, so understanding this website has been difficult, but I am up for the challenge!

After checking out the Hollaback Health website (which offers great blogging tips) I realized one of the most important things I should do as a new blogger, is to write about what I WANT to tell readers about. I am psyched to do posts on nutrition, my training, running, etc, but a huge part of me is the disordered eating I battle with, so writing about it not only purges my own feelings and allows me to reflect on my choices, but it also may be helpful for someone out there to read about and possibly relate to.

Let me start by explaining that I am 5’10”, which is fairly tall for a woman. I have always been taller than my peers, yet it did not start to bother me until sixth grade. I was 12 years old at the time, and becoming more of my height, and the discomfort it was giving me. Middle school, or the “dark ages” as I like to refer to it, was a time where girls and boys were reaching a point of becoming aware of their own bodies, their peers, and how they appeared to others around them. Looks were now important, what clothes you were wearing, make up, and yes, even how much you weighed.

My height began to bother me when I took notice of my oh-so-petite friends getting attention from boys in my class. During recess, we would play games with the boys, and somehow I always ended up being the strong, forceful one, such as during games of kickball, chasing, red rover (ugh) and others. I was also a bit chubby at the time, nothing too abnormal, but a few extra pounds were there. When boys saw me, I imagined them seeing a huge, towering, chubby girl with braces and bushy hair. No one had a crush on me, yet I wanted that attention that my tiny, cutsie friends were receiving.

This is where my attitudes towards eating were changing. Although I could do nothing about my height, I could at least lose a few pounds to not appear as large (in my mind). Hence my disordered views towards food began, and I did lose weight! However, I was getting too thin, something my mom took notice of and she told me to stop, which surprisingly i did. It was as simple as that at the time– I was tired of being hungry, and wanted to enjoy ice cream, treats and fast food again with my friends.

Unfortunately, my recovery only lasted a few years and I entered the world of disordered eating once again, at 18 years old.

*NEXT- I will tell about the next part of journey toward permanent recover and how Weight Watchers is a part of this!

Can you believe this was happening in Sixth grade?! Now girls and a small amount of boys, are developing eating issues even younger in life, because of media, peer, parental and other influences. Although we are taking steps in the right direction, such as the wonderful work that Caitlin does with Operation Beautiful, we need to continue this trend to stop these views of what a great body looks like, according to media standards.

1 Comment

Filed under Awesome Bloggers, Childhood, ED, I'm Just Sayin'